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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Spiralling Down

I'm feeling wayyyy overwhelmed right now. Hayden's feet aside and the battles therein, I am experiencing a plethora of personal issues. Let's see...there's the hoo-hoo thing, a tooth that after being refilled with a lovely white filling has decided to cause excruciating pain, a foot that has been bothering me since my second pregnancy and is almost crippling me, and now I have caught yet another illness (or it's still the last one, I'm not sure) and I am coughing so hard that I am getting muscle spasms in my abdomen and my front ribcage is aching.

It's not like I'm not dealing with these things. I am seeing a lovely physiotherapist at Women's Hospital for the hoo-hoo issue. I saw the dentist and we are trying my nightguard first before we venture into root canal land. The foot thing requires me to wear my orthotics and that means wearing the same pair of shoes every day because I refuse to rip out the insoles my other shoes came with. The coughing, well that one is tougher because I am limited as to what I can take what with breastfeeding and all. I DID try this chest rub from Avon which worked pretty good, but I'm still leery of Hayden inhaling the vapours from that in case there is something that infants can't be exposed to.

I'm feeling the fight go out of me and this is not good. I told hubby that I think maybe I should be on anti-depressants because I can feel myself being sucked into that vortex of pain that I haven't visited in oh so long. Now, for me to say the "A" word it means that I am not doing well. I hate antidepressants. I gained 45 pounds in four months on the last ones I took because they made you crave sweets and with me ALREADY being a sweet tooth and all, it turned me into an Uber Sugar Junkie. They did not make me feel better - they just got me slightly above the point of wanting to kill myself and then I remained on this plateau of misery where I didn't have the energy to do myself in. I could get by on four hours of sleep and let me tell you there ain't much on t.v. at 3 in the morning. And I'm not going all Tom Cruise on you here, because it's likely I just didn't have the right ones, hence why I am thinking they might not be such a bad idea right now. So what does hubby say? "Can't you just cope for the next few weeks? I'm concerned about you taking antidepressants and breastfeeding." Ummm.....WHAT? I'm reaching out for help, which I find extremely difficult to do, and he wants me to just COPE? And since I plan to breastfeed for a minimum of one year, what am I supposed to do? Be mired in a pit of despair for the next 8 or so months? I don't even know what to say.

Okay, whining over. I forgot to mention a few things in my previous posts because I get so distracted. On Sunday I spoke to my sister IN PARIS! She had called and had missed me by ten minutes, but I called back and ask in French for her room. Basically that consisted of: "S'il vous plait, chambre quarante-six?" and the man said "Chambre quarante-six?" and I said "Oui" and he said "D'accord" and put me through to room 46. It was most exciting for me! She was having a lovely time and was doing lots of shopping. Today she will be home and I can't wait to talk to her!

AND I forgot to mention my dream from the night before last. I had an affair on my husband.... with George Clooney. Hayden was with me and he was really good with him. He had this really cool house with lots of electronics. Then the police showed up and wanted to take me away for some reason. This has been a recurring theme the last week or so. I keep dreaming that someone wants to take me away from the baby and I am fighting because he is still on the breast. Weirdness. But the George Clooney part was nice! He looks good in black briefs! Hee hee!

Yesterday was the perfect Autumn day. There is a reason that I really love this season and it is my favorite out of them all. There is this sense of cleansing coming upon us as the leaves start to fall. The sun was out and it was warm but the air was crisp. As daylight started to fade, there was a real hush in spite of the fact that we live in the city. I can't explain what I feel during this time, the words don't come to me.

AND I ALMOST FORGOT! Hayden is four months old today! The time is just flying by! My "little" baby is now 18 pounds and 26" long and is getting so strong I am finding it hard to hold him sometimes! We had better get his feet fixed soon because he wants to walk!

Well on to another day...


Laura said...

Didn't you know that vitamins and exercise are all that you need?Argh. I hate it when celebrities think that their fame in any way makes them SMARTER than anyone else.

After Kestrel was born you had a tough time of it but you managed to wade your way through it. But this time, I think it's the addition of EVERYTHING ELSE on your plate right now. Post partum is hard enough with all the additional crap you're going through right now. If you're trying everything else yet it takes some anti-depressants to help you through it temporarily, I say look into it (and find ones that don't make you crave sweets any more than you normally do!). Life should be more than just 'coping'. Don't put it off until you're at your wit's end.

I've read about women taking anti-depressants while pregnant and/or nursing - are there side effects (other than saving your sanity) that are bad for the baby?

Oh and George Clooney? Yum!

tomama said...

I read your post. I've been there (still there in fact). I don't want to push meds but I found Zoloft to help me a lot (with no weight gain). I believe it is fine with bfeeding but you can check with the Motherisk site or talk to them on the phone to see what the latest research indicates.

Email me if you need to chat!

And what a gorgeous baby!!