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Sunday, October 31, 2004

The Crushing Weight of Disappointment - Part I

I haven't posted for a few days because I have been feeling very emotional. When I saw my midwife on Wednesday, I talked to her about the VBAC issue and it did not look hopeful. She IS going to look into the specialist at the hospital that I mentioned to her, but I seriously doubt this is going to pan out the way that I hoped. I wanted so much to avoid being cut open again. To me it's not a birth, it's a surgery. A baby is surgically removed from my body. And the part that really sucks is everyone expects you to be tip-top after two weeks. When someone has an appendectomy, or their gall bladder removed, they are given a MINIMUM of six weeks to heal and they don't have to bring the part they had removed home with them and look after it 24/7 and have it further leach from their body.

The other thing that really sucks is the stupid ass things people will say to you about a surgical birth. Here are some fine examples:

1) It's no big deal.

Ummmm.....are YOU CRAZY? Getting cut open is a pretty big deal to me. Maybe you have really dull pain sensors. I felt like a truck ran over me for three weeks and then I was an emotional train wreck for the next year after that.

2) I had sex two weeks after my surgery.

a) Okay gross. b) As IF!! What is wrong with your husband? c) I do not feel like having sex for a minimum of four months after I have a baby, vaginal or otherwise.

3) You get to pick the baby's birthday!

OH!! REALLY? WOW!! Well, that makes it all okay then. If I have KNOWN that I could DO THAT, I would have picked the birthday of my FIRST child! What a dummy am I!!! You know, my babies have a day they are intended to be born and I don't feel like I should have a choice in that matter. Screw you.

Soooooo.....if this goes down the shit path, I am going to have to decide how to make this a positive experience for me. And I have no idea how to do that. Because other than getting a baby, I don't see the positive side of it at all.

Yes, my perspective is skewed. I acknowledge that. BUT, it's my experience and I have to ride it through.

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