The thing is, I have this logical mind that keeps telling me to stop being so stupid. I should comfort myself with the fact that I: a) conceive easily, b) carry my babies to term and c) have live births. That should be enough right? But I guess it all goes back to the fact that my first husband abandoned me one month before the birth of my first child. My mother and sister were in attendance when Hannah was born and it was such a textbook labour and delivery. I felt so empowered, so strong, so FEMALE. I make life and I bring it forth! Ha ha! I am woman, hear me ROAR!! In spite of how well it went though, I did not get to share the experience with a partner whom I loved. So for the next 11 years I dreamed of what it would be like to have that. To have my husband next to me as I birthed our child so he could see how awesome I was. And that did not happen. And I felt like a failure, even though he did not see it that way.
Then there are all the horrid after effects of a surgical birth that no one tells you about. Here are some excellent samples (yes, another list!):
1. The ingrown hairs you get around your incision scar because they shave you with the shittiest razor they can find - DRY! Talk about adding insult to injury.
2. The disgusting yellow shit they paint on your body that takes THREE WEEKS to wear off, there is no scrubbing it off let me tell you.
3. The fact that EVERY doctor, resident or nurse who comes in to see you give you the same speech about "no sexual relations for six weeks". I wanted to scream by day four. Fucktards - did they honestly think that I would even consider it? Although, given the list I did in part I of this blog, I guess there are people who do! Ew.
4. The fact that the muscles they cut through are the same muscles you use to cough, sneeze, cry, sit down, get up, sit up in bed, roll over, bend forward, put your feet up, pick up your child, climb stairs, step into the bathtub, put your pants on, go to the bathroom, etc. etc. No one tells you that it will be excruciating to do most of this stuff and more.
I know I have a long way to go to accept this situation and thank goodness I have good support people who are understanding. I am just going to have to press on and deal with the above items on an individual basis.
Thanks for listening.