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Saturday, October 23, 2004


I have been dragging my ass around a lot and it is just a combination of not sleeping properly, getting up too early and chasing a two year old around! How is is possible that one minute I hate Kestrel as she stands there screaming in my face and hitting me and then loving her like crazy the next minute when she is saying "thanks Sweetie" back to me?

I have been uninspired the last few days to write anything, so forgive me. I am also preoccupied. Here I am barely seven weeks pregnant and I am already obsessing about the birth! I have been lecturing myself to cross that bridge when the time gets closer, but that is the way my brain works. I have to "be prepared", I have to "plan" and most of all I have to "envision every bad thing, conversation, and outcome" I can imagine. I have a set dwelling time for bad/tragic/traumatic things that happen in my life and let me tell you, it is much longer than two years! When I think of how long it took me to get over both of my prior failed marriages, I am nowhere near getting over the c-section! And, as it usually happens in my life, before I am even over the first trauma, I inevitably get to experience the exact same trauma all over again! At least this is what my brain is trying to tell me as I fill up with self-doubt and worry. I need therapy. Fast.

Thankfully I am seeing the midwives on Monday and can go over some of this with them. I really hope they have some suggestions because I will go crazy over the next 7 or 8 months and will undoubtedly end up with another stressed out baby who never sleeps! I deserve a sleeper this time, damn it! I just don't want to end up on medication or anything. That would suck.Well, there's a downer post.

Okay, some happy stuff: When I think about holding this baby in my arms, I get so excited and tearful and peaceful! Is there anything better than that tiny, sweet smelling, writhing, rooting being that barely fits in the crook of your arm? I think not! Well, the mushy kisses of a toddler come a very close second! M-WAH! It all just goes so fast! I can remember looking at Kes in the hospital and thinking I wanted to freeze time. She was so tiny and perfect. I was so much younger when I had Hannah and I did not appreciate each and every moment with her. I was always in such a hurry for her to meet her milestones and I just know with this next one, most likely my last, that I will be mourning each time he/she develops a new skill. At any rate, my heart flutters whenever I think of greeting this new one. I am going to try and savour this pregnancy, the good with the bad.

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