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Sunday, September 25, 2005

The Suffocating Guilt

Nothing really major to report today. I'm feeling kind of down and burned out and thank goodness Friday is therapy day.

We loaded up the family yesterday and went to Queen Elizabeth Park, which ended up being mostly a disaster. Kes had woken up in a major mood and had already had two meltdowns that morning and by that I mean quasi temper tantrums. One of them resulted in her being banished to her room for a few minutes. It was awful. While at the park, she was excited to be out and about, but kept running off and Doug gets so panicky when she does that. I told him that all I do now is say "'kay I'm going, see ya!" and she follows pretty dang quickly. She was being hugely oppositional about everything, not to mention bossy, demanding and whiny. At one point she took off and Hannah went after her and because she didn't take off in a retarded hobbit run (like Doug), he barked at her and got all huffy. We decided to get a snack at the coffee shop and she just got worse from there. To boot, Hayden was not at his finest either and I started to feel really, really drained. We left after she turned into "Nasty Spawn of Satan" at the coffee shop.

Once home, Hannah went out to meet friends and Doug went out to forage for food. I was left with the two in mild trepidation, but we had set up Alice in Wonderland on the computer for Kes and I gave her snacks and she sat there nicely, while I watched Charmed (premiere tonight - woot!) and Hayden slept on me. She was pretty good until after dinner. Naturally Doug went up to his bat cave (EVERY FRIGGIN' WEEKEND NOW) saying he'd be down in half an hour (which is always longer) to put Kes to bed and I was stuck with the babies again. Kes was horrible. She was flicking a hairbrush into Hayden's face, so I took it away from her and she started into another tantrum. Doug came down and demanded to know what was going on, but instead of supporting me started bitching that it was "impossible to work up there with all the screaming going on". I asked him what he wanted me to do about it and he said he didn't know as he stomped back upstairs. I threw the hairbrush onto the floor for her and then decided that I would put her to bed because I was on my last nerve by that point and hey, why not put myself through the agony of trying to deal with the two of them.

I know that I should be grateful for the fact that I have been blessed with two more children. I know that my husband works hard to support us so that I won't have to go back to work. I know that I have it a lot better than most people. But when you factor in that I spend most of my time alone with them on the weekends (thank GOD she goes to daycare I say again), my pull towards depression and self-doubt, my loss of self in all of this, my sacrificing and the fact that I tend to be a solitary person and I may very well go insane. I'm not coping well at all and that just plain sucks. What will it take to make me happy? How the hell should I know? I have all the things I wanted now and it still is not enough. I know people would just tell me to "suck it up" and that it will all "soon be over", but I want it to be done NOW. I want myself back. I want to shower whenever I feel like it, eat whenever I feel like it, do whatever I want when I feel like it. Selfish bitch or what?

Maybe this stems from being a twin and always having to share during my childhood. We always got the same clothes, books, toys and we were not treated like individuals. Now when I finally have the chance to be me, I am stifled again. And then the guilt kicks in, because I love my kids more than anything, but I hate them, too. And how can I live with myself then? I don't deserve to have what I have if that is the case.

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