Where I Break Into Song Like My Life is a Musical

Last night I got Hayden to sleep in his crib for about five hours. It was lovely to not share the bed and have to sleep in some hideous contorted position, but I missed him more than I thought I would. Usually he is curled under my arm or has his sweet little face nuzzled into my bare breast (because I fall asleep and don't put it back where it belongs). When he woke up, I brought him into bed with us and there he stayed for the duration of the night.

Therapy went well yesterday. We just discussed everything and how I can start coping better. I want to call the Pacific Post Partum Support Society, but told her that there has been too many people around for me to have a private and honest conversation. So, perhaps once everyone is back to school / work / daycare, then I can give them a ring. In the meantime I have been looking at some exercise classes at the Roundhouse that I may try to attend - if nothing more than for adult female interaction. I just need to make a deal with myself that I will stick with it if I make the commitment. I'd like to make some form of a schedule so that I feel less like I am just going through the motions (break into song here a la Buffy the Vampire Slayer)*, however I feel a bit panicky when I think about doing that because then every minute of my time can be accounted for and that just doesn't happen with babies. Nor does it make me feel comfortable to not have any free time. Could I be more conflicted? I think I will start taking Hayden to daycare once every two weeks so that I can have time for myself and aside from booking spa appointments, maybe keep it open or "free". It's amazing how much losing one day (Tuesdays) screws up my whole week. Everything I do now is planned around that day.

Ah well.

* See Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode #107 "Once More With Feeling", where Buffy sings a song called "Going Through the Motions".