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Saturday, October 22, 2005

Irrationale

So I've neglected to mention my weird fear that someone wants to take Hayden away from me. Primarily the fear is in my dreams - someone is dragging me away from him and I'm freaking out because he's still nursing. There's been several scenarios (such as the George Clooney dream) where I'm either being taken away by the police, or child services is taking Hayden and I'm panicking.

But yesterday, my fear surfaced during the day as I had this oddly paranoid fear on the Skytrain. I had parked the stroller by the door, Hayden was asleep. I sat on the other side of the glass partition next to him and held on to the stroller. Every time the door opened at a station, I fought the fear that someone was either going to push the stroller out onto the platform or pull it out of the train from the platform. I clung to the stroller for dear life and planned what I would do if it happened. It was much like what I do when I am home alone and have to spend the night by myself. I lay there and plan my escape route in case someone breaks in. Trust me, it can take up most of the night, especially with three kids to get out of the house ahead of me.

This is a new thing for me. I had to reconnect my logical side yesterday while on the train and tell myself "If someone pulled him out of the train, what would they do with him next? It isn't logical." It helped a little, but I was relieved when my stop came.

Do I need help?

1 comment:

Cath said...

Just got caught up on your new blogs. I thought I should mention that irrational fears about your child are associated with PPD and if you think you need something for it then you should look into it pronto. Anyways, we'll discuss that further when we talk on the phone ninety times each day. Take it from someone who's been there, you can feel better sooner than you think and as you know, things with babies are just a day by day thing, always changing.
Just wanted to take a bite of those cheeks and he does look like you!

 
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